My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
