Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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