you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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