My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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