I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
