I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
