i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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