If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
