So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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