drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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