I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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