my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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