He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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