Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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