My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
