Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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