Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
