Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
