theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
