Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
