just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
