my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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