i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
