I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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