What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
