he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
