I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
