Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
