I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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