I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
