What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
