Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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