pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
