I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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