My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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