I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
as a side note pls kill me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
