She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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