my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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