He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
