the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
