So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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