He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
