i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Everything about him screamed your future.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
