Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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