grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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