Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
