Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
