I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
