So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
