I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
