Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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