I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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